Walk 4 Nate

I've been struggling a lot. I lack motivation and energy. Most days, I don't even get dressed, so I apologize for the lack of blogs. I keep telling myself, "tomorrow things will be different." Things aren't different yet and I don't know when they will be. It hurts. It hurts more and more everyday that I have to wake up without my baby boy here. I know everything I feel is normal and that someday I'll be "okay." But for now, I am just doing my best. I hope I can find the words to start blogging again, like I use to. I pray for the motivation to clean and organize my house and share my tips with you all like before. And I hope that sometime soon I can start doing the fun, crafty things, I've always enjoyed doing. Please just bare with me as I try to find myself again and as I try to find joy in a world that lacks a piece of sunshine. 

I've been meaning to share with you the success of Handsome's walk! We hosted the first annual Walk 4 Nate on February 9th, 2013, days after Handsome's second birthday. It was such an amazing feeling to see all these people come out and walk for him, knowing that they cared or that Handsome touched their lives. It was beyond overwhelming, but the best part of it all was being able to donate to The Children's Hospital that took care of Handsome. 

After we walked the trail around the park, we celebrated Handsome's life. We ate blew out candles, ate birthday cake and wrote messages to Handsome on balloons that we released, sending them to Heaven. At the party, we also had an art therapist present. She had art supplies set up at a table for Handsome's party guests to draw pictures for him. It was an absolutely beautiful event. I wish I had the words to explain how much it meant to me. I love each and everyone of you supported us through this. 

Handsome's walk brought in over $2,000 in donations for Vanderbilt's Children's Hospital. Almost doubling the amount we expected to raise. What a perfect birthday present for Handsome! A $2000 donation to the hospital that he called home. 

my thirty day cleanse

Losing Handsome has been very hard on me. I have lost myself in it. I find myself not caring about the housework and now my house has become a cluttered mess. I don't care about how I look or represent myself anymore. My diet has gone from creative and clean to cheap and fake. I'm sure you can imagine what that has done to my waist line. The things I was once passionate about have lost all purpose. I just don't feel like myself anymore and most of the time I just don't care. I feel like I'm just going through the motions.

But I want to be someone that is happy. I want to grow from my experiences and I want to make Handsome's life worth it. I want to keep his legacy alive. And I want to be the type of parent and wife, I promised I would be. I know I will never be the old me again. What was once normal will never be normal again, but I can't let my depression over losing my son become me. It's not what he would want and I'm stronger then that. 

So today I am starting a 30 day cleanse in hopes that it will help me find a new version of myself and help me find a way to enjoy life again. I am tackling many different things with my cleanse, including my diet, my spirituality, and my marriage. I know I can't fix what's broken in 30 days. I know that thirty days from now, I won't be rainbows and butterflies. I'll still cry daily. I'll still have unanswered questions for God. And I won't be back into my size three jeans, but I am hoping that my thirty day cleanse helps move me in a forward motion so that I'm not stuck just pressing replay every day. 

With my thirty day cleanse, I am going vegan. I was vegan for a few months following Handsome's birth and I felt amazing, but a vegan diet is a great way to cleanse your body of all that nasty fast food. I'm going to begin decluttering my very messy house. I use to be so organized and clean, but I've been too depressed to even care if my house was clean lately to do anything about it. I am, also, going to be working on my spirituality and my relationship with God. Like I mentioned above, I have many unanswered questions and while my faith is not in doubt I am struggling some with my religion, so I plan on reading my bible every night to help me find my way through Christianity. I plan on listening to nothing but positive hits over the next thirty days, as well. Not for my religion, but to help shed the negative feelings and thoughts. And my family, I plan on reintroducing family time and just time with my husband, to help us find a way to be a family again, to be a couple again. 

I don't expect in thirty days to be healed. As I have said before, I don't want to be healed. I want the pain of losing Handsome to stay with me forever, because it is what reminds me that he was here. That he happened and that I loved him, but I don't want to live his death for the rest of our lives. I want us to live OUR lives and remember his, not dwelling on his passing. I don't want us to be the angry, bitter people we are today tomorrow. 

prized possession

Every time Handsome has been air lifted to the Children's Hospital, my whole drive to him all I can think about is that we don't have any family photos. I know it's probably not what most parents in that situation would think about, but it's what I think of. I think of how I only have one picture of all five of my babies together. About how I have only two photos of my husband and I with Handsome. I think how if something happens to him, how much I would regret not getting photos done. Maybe it's just the photographer in me or maybe it's my way of coping, but it's something that has always bothered me.

We were blessed when the doctors let Handsome go home last month. I remember every day in that hospital, every time someone new came in with more bad news, thinking that this could be it. This could be my last chance to get a family photo done with my whole family. I promised myself if he overcame this obstacle and he made it home, I would not put family photos on the back burner ever again. 

Then my good friend and favorite photographer, Michelle, offered to move her schedule around and to accommodate our family's hectic routines and Handsome's crazy health demands. She came out to our house, since traveling with Handsome isn't easy and she made our tiny backyard, that faces a BUSY street into a perfect backdrop. She captured my family in a beautiful light and I don't just mean with her photography skills. She gave me the most precious gift anyone could have giving me. She gave me a photo of  my family. She gave me a captured moment in time where we were all together, all happy, grateful and loving. 

You can see more of our family photos on her facebook fan page! Michelle Elise Photography

family movie night.

My favorite thing about being home from the hospital is sitting on the couch with all my babies watching a movie. It's the little things like that people take for granted and I will definitely admit family movie night is something I often take for granted. 

On Friday nights, we try to rent a movie or find something on Netflix that interests us all and we curl up on or around the couch and watch it together. This past Friday we watched Captain America. The only downfall to family movie night is that our family consists of five males and two females, so chick flicks are never an option. But Heidi and I still enjoy a good superhero movie with our boys! 

Couldn't get Skywalker to get in the picture. :(

  

And can you believe Doc is already four months old!?