my thirty day cleanse

Losing Handsome has been very hard on me. I have lost myself in it. I find myself not caring about the housework and now my house has become a cluttered mess. I don't care about how I look or represent myself anymore. My diet has gone from creative and clean to cheap and fake. I'm sure you can imagine what that has done to my waist line. The things I was once passionate about have lost all purpose. I just don't feel like myself anymore and most of the time I just don't care. I feel like I'm just going through the motions.

But I want to be someone that is happy. I want to grow from my experiences and I want to make Handsome's life worth it. I want to keep his legacy alive. And I want to be the type of parent and wife, I promised I would be. I know I will never be the old me again. What was once normal will never be normal again, but I can't let my depression over losing my son become me. It's not what he would want and I'm stronger then that. 

So today I am starting a 30 day cleanse in hopes that it will help me find a new version of myself and help me find a way to enjoy life again. I am tackling many different things with my cleanse, including my diet, my spirituality, and my marriage. I know I can't fix what's broken in 30 days. I know that thirty days from now, I won't be rainbows and butterflies. I'll still cry daily. I'll still have unanswered questions for God. And I won't be back into my size three jeans, but I am hoping that my thirty day cleanse helps move me in a forward motion so that I'm not stuck just pressing replay every day. 

With my thirty day cleanse, I am going vegan. I was vegan for a few months following Handsome's birth and I felt amazing, but a vegan diet is a great way to cleanse your body of all that nasty fast food. I'm going to begin decluttering my very messy house. I use to be so organized and clean, but I've been too depressed to even care if my house was clean lately to do anything about it. I am, also, going to be working on my spirituality and my relationship with God. Like I mentioned above, I have many unanswered questions and while my faith is not in doubt I am struggling some with my religion, so I plan on reading my bible every night to help me find my way through Christianity. I plan on listening to nothing but positive hits over the next thirty days, as well. Not for my religion, but to help shed the negative feelings and thoughts. And my family, I plan on reintroducing family time and just time with my husband, to help us find a way to be a family again, to be a couple again. 

I don't expect in thirty days to be healed. As I have said before, I don't want to be healed. I want the pain of losing Handsome to stay with me forever, because it is what reminds me that he was here. That he happened and that I loved him, but I don't want to live his death for the rest of our lives. I want us to live OUR lives and remember his, not dwelling on his passing. I don't want us to be the angry, bitter people we are today tomorrow. 

Operation Get Organized: The Laundry Room

I mentioned a couple months ago that I wanted to get organized, but I just kept putting it off. I'd take a look at my closet or my junk drawer and I'd come up with a hundred excuses on why I didn't have the time to sit down and organize it. It was always something, from I have an appointment later on to I just don't feel good today. I'd do it tomorrow had become my motto, until tomorrow finally turned into 2 months.

I started feeling guilty when friends would come over and compliment my home. They would go on and on about how clean it was, but they didn't know I have 3 drawers in my kitchen full of junk or if you open my hallway closet Christmas decor will probably knock you down. But the worst part... The thing I felt the guiltiest about... absolutely ashamed... was my laundry room. I'd laugh at their compliments and tell them they wouldn't be saying that if they saw my laundry room (of course, I NEVER offered to actually let them see it)

You see, my house just appears to be clean. I do the basics every day. I sweep, vacuum, wash dishes, mop... but it's all an illusion. My counter tops may be spotless, but the drawers underneath them are full of junk... out dated magazines, batteries that don't work, and bills from last year. The toilets are bleached daily and the floors are always clean, but it's impossible to find a clean towel. the illusion of having a clean house has worked for me in the past, but not anymore. I want to be organized. So, I finally got off my butt and started organizing things around here.

And I started with the cluttered, disorganized laundry room, that was sooo far from clean that I was ashamed to let even my best friend see it...



Can you see, now, why I was so ashamed? I don't even have an excuse for how it got so bad. It turned into our junk room. My husband's gear that wouldn't fit in the closet, the clothes the kids outgrew, toys they no longer played with, all my craft supplies... It was a disgusting mess.

But after spending all weekend in there...



It is now ORGANIZED! and CLEAN!



I got a shoe organizer to put my cleaning supplies in and it hangs on the back of the laundry room door.



So, what happened to all the clutter?

Well, my husband went through all his gear and put it in our shed. The clothes that don't fit we are getting rid of and the craft supplies are on the top shelf! Everything else was thrown away. If we hadn't used it in 3 months, I threw it away. :D I hope maybe this will inspire some of y'all to get organized! I'd hate to know I showed you that embarrassing before photo of my laundry room for nothing!