finding myself?

I've let my house go since Handsome passed away. I used to pride myself on having a clean, organized home for my family, but a few months ago, I just quit caring. It was one of the many things in my life that I just let slip, recently. Not that I've let it get dirty, because it's still very much clean. It just... it lacks what it used to be. In my opinion, a person's home is a reflection of themselves. I look at my house like a representation of the type of person I am. I've always wanted my house to send a certain message to my visitors... That I'm not lazy. That I take care of what's mine. And that I'm well organized. But after Handsome passed away, I felt like it was excusable to not have a perfect home. People expected a messy, cluttered home from me, so that's what I delivered. I felt like for the first time in a long time my home was no longer part of the way people perceived me. I was the woman who lost her son. No matter how clean or how dirty my house, that fact would remain the same. 

But as the days keeping passing since Handsome earned his angel wings, I find myself wondering when is it no longer an excuse. When will I get a visitor who thinks that my not- so- tidy bathroom makes me careless housekeeper? What about the people who are visiting who don't know I lost a child, like the sears delivery people who delivered my treadmill yesterday? How long can I just get by with "picking up" every day? When will people start expecting my baseboards to be bleached, my floors freshly mopped with pine- sol, or my beds to be made and laundry put away? 

And then there is the feelings of self worth, or should I say the lack of. I might not feel like decluttering my house, but I feel so... inadequate as a wife and a mother, if I don't. My husband had to return to his job, after losing Handsome. My children had to return to school. Why should I be the one who doesn't fall back into her routine? What makes me special? I sit during the day thinking about the clothes in the dryer that haven't been folded. The dishes in the washer that haven't been put away. The toys scattered in the kids' bedrooms that need to be picked up. It's not that I don't want my house to be the way it used to be, because it bothers me to the point that I lose sleep at night. I just keep telling myself, though, that it's okay, because I lost my child....

I want to be who I used to be. The person I was before I had to watch the life fade from my toddler's eyes. I want to be happy again. I want my house to represent what an organized and clean person I am. I want to come home after going out with the kids and my house "feel" the way it used to. It's not fair that I had to lose my child and it's definitely not fair that I had to lose myself, too. 

Pain is Weakness...

When my husband walked away from the marine corps, we took with us a lot of amazing memories, wonderful friends... and motivational chants???

When my husband sported his favorite marine corps shirt, I never imagined the words printed on the back would be my motivation to get in shape years later. He wore the shirt daily around the house, on vacations, to visit friends... and once the color started to fade it turned into my sleep shirt, a black men's t shirt with the marine corps emblem, on the front, in the left corner in white and the words "pain is weakness leaving the body" decorated the back...

I put on 80 pounds this last pregnancy. I always gain a lot of weight when I'm pregnant, but this time, I didn't leave the hospital fifty pounds lighter, like usual. I guess, my previous four pregnancies I was spoiled, because it took very little exercise after the baby was born to get back down to my pre pregnancy shape. After Doc, though, (Jake has been nicknamed Doc for the blogs) I wasn't worried about my size or shape, just assumed by the time I reached 6 weeks postpartum, it would all disappear, so I ate those 3 donuts from the donut shop, indulged in a few too many cans of soda, and made ice cream sundae's every weekend with my munchkins. Now here I am seven weeks postpartum and... well... I still have 30 pounds to lose. All my pre pregnancy clothes fit me, thank God, but I have muffin tops over my jeans and my shirts are tighter then I prefer. So, it's time to start working out... 

I am soooooo out of shape, though. 

Two days ago, I did a Jillian Michaels' work out DVD and last night I went on a walk around the neighborhood with some girlfriends and during both, I thought I was going to die. But, that marine corps slogan from my husband's old shirt popped in my head. "Pain is weakness leaving the body." I just kept chanting it in my head and I was able to push through the DVD and to keep on walking. 

Today my whole body hurts, like seriously, typing this... my hands hurt, I'm so sore. But I just keep telling myself, "pain is weakness leaving the body." 

Boho Princess Headband Tutorial

A few months ago, I ordered Heidi a lace romper on GroopDealz. I didn't really know what I was going to do with the romper. I just knew that it was an amazing deal and I had to take advantage of it. Plus, my husband left his credit card at home that morning... Oops!  When I got the romper and tried it on her, I knew I was going to need a headband of some sort to go with it. I had planned on just buying something on Etsy, but never got around to it. 

And it's a good thing I forgot to order one on Etsy...

Because I was looking at my blog, earlier, and noticed I haven't posted a tutorial in a LONG time, so I rummaged through the house for something I could throw together quickly. Unfortunately, while I was spring cleaning, I threw away a lot of my extra craft supplies, to make room for all my yarn. I was left raiding my husband's hardware drawers. 

And this is what I came up with... 

The Boho Princess Headband

Materials used:

Jute Twine (can be purchased at craft stores or the hardware department of Walmart)

crochet hook (I used a size F)

a small strip of fabric

fabric glue

The headband is simply a chain of crochets. I just kept making chains until the headband was long enough to fit around Heidi's head. Then I joined the last chain to the first chain with a slip stitch and fastened off the chain. Then using a tapestry needle I weaved in the ends of my yarn. 

***If you do not know how to crochet, you can cut your jute into three strips and braid it, tying knots in each end. Then leaving a tail with your jute on each side to tie together when you are done. ***

Now that you have a headband, you need to embellish it!

Cut a strip of fabric. (I used a one of Skywalker's old tshirts) How long and how thick you cut your strip will depend on how big you want your rosette to be. 

Tie one end of your fabric strip in a knot. Begin twisting your fabric around the knot, applying fabric glue to help hold it in place.

***Here is a photo to help show you what I'm talking about. You will want to apply your glue to the side of the fabric, gluing it to the knot. Then you just keep wrapping it around and adding glue, until it's the size you want***

Once you finish wrapping and gluing your rosette, you can take another piece of your fabric and glue it to the back of your rosette. 

Trim any excess fabric around the rosette and glue it to your headband.

Once it dries, try it on your Boho Princess and don't forget to take a picture for me!

Operation Get Organized: Launchpad

Today, I decided to tackle my entryway. There isn't really much to it, so there wasn't much to organize. My coat closet needed a little maintenance, winter coats put away, shoes that don't fit thrown away... The basics for Spring cleaning.

But, while I was reorganizing my coat closet, I found this shelf that my mom had purchased YEARS ago at a yard sale. She gave it to me when I moved to Kentucky and told me "use it to hang your keys on." Well, I didn't want to argue with her about it, so I took it, but truth be told, it was ugly and there was no way I was putting it up in my house. For one, I hate light colored wood, give me something dark and rustic and I will find a use for it, but that natural pine color... just... it's not for me. So, I put this ugly shelf in my coat closet and promised myself I'd paint it one day, just to appease my mother and I just never got around to it.

Until today! (over two years after my move)



I drug it outside, threw it on my old newspapers, I had used to spray paint some picture frames, last week, and went to town!

At least until I ran out of spray paint! And was left with a not so fully coated shelf, but hey whose going to look that close.

I hung it up next to my coat closet and then searched the house for something to put on it.



I dug out these little wood people from my craft box.(one for each of our family members, even the new baby) One day, I promise I will paint them so that they have personality! (hopefully sooner then 2 years)

Then I needed a use for the shelf...

When the munchkins came home and one threw their backpack on the couch, while the other threw their's on the table, a little light bulb went off in my head!




Now, my mama is flying up tomorrow to be here for the birth of the baby and won't she be happy to see I finally put her shelf to use... :D



And that is how the launchpad in my household was created!

Family Life Binder

Since a lot of people have been asking me about my family life binder, I figured I'd go ahead and blog about it, even though it's not 100% finished. I have enough of it done that y'all will get the point. :D

A lot of people call them household binders, but since the first blog I ever read about one referred to it as a family life binder, that's just what I call it, but they all are the same thing, a binder that you use to help organize your household/family.

Everyone's binder is probably a little different then someone else's, because different households, different families, have different needs. Mine for example, has extra things in it about seizure first aid and ketogenic diet recipes and a military life section. I'm sure not all my readers would require these things in their binders, but they may need a section for a babysitter or a section with home maintenance checklists. You just have to sit down and figure out what should go in your binder based on your families needs and things that require organization in your household. This is, seriously, what took me the longest and I'm STILL finding things to add!

Here's some photos of my binder and brief run down on what's inside to give you a starting point with yours.



I bought this cute binder at target with some page protectors and dividers.



The first section in my binder is for the kid's school.

a contact sheet for their teachers and the main line at school
school newsletter
and extra stuff from their teachers about upcoming events or snack days



My cleaning section includes my daily cleaning schedule, weekly cleaning schedule, and monthly cleaning schedule.

I, also, stuck Flylady.net's cleaning list in there for reference when I do a deep clean. (If you haven't checked out flylady.net, you really should)

The next section, in my binder, is for finance. (I didn't get a picture, because the information is just a bit personal.) I have a budget spreadsheet, where I have filled out how much everything SHOULD cost vs how much it did cost and keep track of our finances. There is another spreadsheet, in the section, that list every bill we owe per month, so I can check it off, as we pay it.

Contacts is the next part of my binder. For this one, I added those page protectors people use for baseball cards and I put business cards for all the important people and places, like Handsome's doctors, pharmacy, housing maintenance... There's also business cards for my favorite businesses in town and local vendors.

The medical section includes a brief medical info sheet on everyone in our family. It lists allergies, medications and their dose, and any medical problems they may have, but the main purpose for this section, was to include a list of carb free products Handsome can use with his diet, information on his diet, and a 'what to do if he has a seizure' page.



Then we got my calendar, which is pretty self explanatory. The section is just a blank calendar I can fill in important dates with.



The daily life part has a to do list for everyone in our family, along with our daily routines.



The next part is all about food! It's where I will keep inventory of what we have in the house, plan our meals, and plan my grocery trips.

I put recipes for Handsome's ketogenic diet in this section.

And, what's probably everyone's favorite... Take out menus!



The sections that I haven't completed:

Military, which I plan to use to keep track of the important contacts in Husband's unit, a copy of his orders, power of attorneys and events his unit has planned.

Auto Maintenance, I just want to add to keep track of oil changes and other things done to our vehicles.



If you happen to make a binder, I'd love to know what you put in your's. It might remind me of something I forgot to put in mine!

Operation Get Organized: Junk Drawers

I've always heard that every house has a black hole, a certain room or area in the house where things get put and then are never seen again. Most of the time, they are sticking items that don't particularly belong in the area, there, just to get them out of the way. Then they just keep forgetting to put it where it really goes... and more stuff gets added on top of it, until they forget about it altogether. For most people, it's a closet or a drawer, a place that your guest would most likely not see.

I've never giving much thought as to where our black hole is, like I said earlier in the year, when I started Operation Get Organized, my life is cluttered, so picking one area in the house that is THE BLACK HOLE, required some thinking. All of our closets could fit the description. And Heidi has a night stand that she's got dvds, make-up, even some of Skywalker's video games, stashed in, because she likes things "out of the way," just as much as her mama does.

But once I started thinking about it... I knew. I knew exactly where my black hole was.

And it's so bad that I have decided I am not taking fault for it. Nope! I did NOT do it! The clutter found in my junk drawers (yes plural) is totally my mom's fault. She loves junk drawers.

Here is my before...




I poured everything in the junk drawers into a bag and then I cleaned the drawers with bleach.



Then I dumped all the junk from the drawers on my living room floor... totally cropped the pic so you couldn't tell HOW bad it was.



Skywalker kept finding parts to toys that he thought were long gone...



And then... MY AFTERS!





The project took me 2 hours and I am so happy to finally have it done. My kitchen feels so much cleaner, now. I, even, started organizing my pantry a little bit, after I finished the drawers, maybe I will get that finished this weekend and I will have something else I can praise myself about, but my main goal right now is to finish our family life binder before the new baby comes. I always wanted to put one together, but never found the time, now I think I NEED to, so hopefully I can get that done soon.

A lot of my friends have been talking about how they need to get their junk drawers organized... Well, I did it, so it's your turn. Get on it! And show me before/after pics.

Operation Get Organized: The Laundry Room

I mentioned a couple months ago that I wanted to get organized, but I just kept putting it off. I'd take a look at my closet or my junk drawer and I'd come up with a hundred excuses on why I didn't have the time to sit down and organize it. It was always something, from I have an appointment later on to I just don't feel good today. I'd do it tomorrow had become my motto, until tomorrow finally turned into 2 months.

I started feeling guilty when friends would come over and compliment my home. They would go on and on about how clean it was, but they didn't know I have 3 drawers in my kitchen full of junk or if you open my hallway closet Christmas decor will probably knock you down. But the worst part... The thing I felt the guiltiest about... absolutely ashamed... was my laundry room. I'd laugh at their compliments and tell them they wouldn't be saying that if they saw my laundry room (of course, I NEVER offered to actually let them see it)

You see, my house just appears to be clean. I do the basics every day. I sweep, vacuum, wash dishes, mop... but it's all an illusion. My counter tops may be spotless, but the drawers underneath them are full of junk... out dated magazines, batteries that don't work, and bills from last year. The toilets are bleached daily and the floors are always clean, but it's impossible to find a clean towel. the illusion of having a clean house has worked for me in the past, but not anymore. I want to be organized. So, I finally got off my butt and started organizing things around here.

And I started with the cluttered, disorganized laundry room, that was sooo far from clean that I was ashamed to let even my best friend see it...



Can you see, now, why I was so ashamed? I don't even have an excuse for how it got so bad. It turned into our junk room. My husband's gear that wouldn't fit in the closet, the clothes the kids outgrew, toys they no longer played with, all my craft supplies... It was a disgusting mess.

But after spending all weekend in there...



It is now ORGANIZED! and CLEAN!



I got a shoe organizer to put my cleaning supplies in and it hangs on the back of the laundry room door.



So, what happened to all the clutter?

Well, my husband went through all his gear and put it in our shed. The clothes that don't fit we are getting rid of and the craft supplies are on the top shelf! Everything else was thrown away. If we hadn't used it in 3 months, I threw it away. :D I hope maybe this will inspire some of y'all to get organized! I'd hate to know I showed you that embarrassing before photo of my laundry room for nothing!