Closure.

I've been staring at this screen for near 6 hours. I don't know what words I'm looking for, but I can't find any that "feel" right. I'm a word girl. I love words. I love sentences. I love stories. Words are who I am. I am the girl who always knows the RIGHT words to say. I'm the person that friends ask to type of birthday messages to their sweethearts and heartfelt thank you letters to their friends. I am good with words, but today I just can't think of any. Maybe there are none. Maybe there is no way to tell the world the things I want to say. And I guess this is just what it feels like to be at a loss for words. 

And since I cannot find the words for you and everyone else reading this, I'm going to address the person who I can talk to. The person who I finally have the right words for. 

She told me I was strong and she didn't know how I did it, the lady behind the desk at the doctor's office. She was scanning the papers that we have waited 4 years for and preparing them for copies and faxes. And she told me I was strong. I hear it all the time. Everywhere I go. Every person I meet. everyone feels the need to tell me how strong I am, but I don't feel strong. I feel the complete opposite. I feel like I break under pressure. I falter. I kneel. I'm weak. I've been on my knees for the better half of the last 4 years. I've been screaming. I've been crying. I've been begging. That is who I am. I am not strong. I am weak. 

I shut myself out to the world. I don't let myself feel anything but you, because anything else would be too much. I like being alone. I like shivering. I like the dark. I like giving up. I like the pain. The pain is my only comfort. The dark is my best friend. I'm too tired to fight anymore. Being cold reminds me that I CAN still feel if I wanted to and I enjoy the isolation because there is no one there to look at me with pity in their eyes. 

They all tell me I'm strong and they don't know how I do it, but I think it's empty words. No one can be strong in our situation. Not even you. You got too tired to fight anymore and I don't blame you or hate you or ever get mad at you for it. No one can be strong all the time. Not you and definitely not me. 

I've spent a lot of time not knowing who to curse for this, for these changes in you, in me, in our lives. I've yelled at God. I've hated God. I've hated everyone at some point, because they were all someone to blame. They were just someone I could hate. I'm not just weak. I'm bitter. I'm angry and I just want to scream. I want to hit walls and break plates. 

I've blamed everyone. At some point, I've blamed the woman behind the desk at the doctor's office. The woman holding the papers with all our answers. The one with water in her eyes, telling me how strong I am and how sorry she is for our family. 

She's sorry because like me, she has just been made aware that I am a carrier for a mutated GMPPB gene and I was unlucky enough to fall in love with a man who also carried a mutated version of the same gene. 

I have someone to blame... finally. I have someone to curse. I have someone to hate. We have someone to hate. We have our whys. We have our hows... and we know who... 

Congenital Muscular Dystrophy caused by a change in GMPPB murdered my child. 

CMD stole you from me. 

Because of CMD, I won't get to watch you blow out candles on your birthday. 

CMD took your smile from me. 

CMD took you from my arms. 

Because of CMD, I don't get to watch you grow up. 

And I'm not okay with that. I will never be okay with that. I will never stop missing you and missing the things that this stupid disease stole from us. The moments we were suppose to share that it took from us will always be on my mind. I will never let you go. I will never let this go! I will never let CMD off the hook for the pain it caused you and I will never, I promise to you, I will never stop loving you... 

I am so sorry that I have been living the way I have for so long. I am so sorry I've let myself become so consumed with anger because you were gone and I didn't know why. I'm so sorry I stopped living. I'm so sorry I've failed you. In losing you, I lost myself and I have been okay with that but it's not fair to you and it's not fair to Jake.

It's not easy and I know everyday will be a struggle, but I promise you, Nathan, I will fight for Jake. I will be his voice. I will advocate for him. I promise to always protect him.. I will not let congenital muscular dystrophy steal his life, too. And I swear until the day I day I die and for eternity after that I will love him. And I will always love you, my handsome.