Losing a child is the hardest thing I have ever had to face in this lifetime. Losing him weeks before Christmas is almost unmanageable. I see all the smiling faces and the happy crowds at the mall and I wonder HOW! How can they be so excited when my baby is gone? I see the toddler children bouncing on Santa's lap and I ask myself WHY! Why was it my baby and not that one? I feel a sense of unfairness that all these people, their lives go on, while mine is at a stand still. They get to spend the holidays with their families, buy their children Christmas presents and take them to meet Santa, while I get to visit my son's grave site and pick out flowers to adorn it with. A part of me wishes I could fast forward through the next month and it be January already, but then it would be almost time for his birthday and I'd feel more of the same feelings. I may want the world to stop turning so that I can find a way to breathe, but it's not going to happen.
I have to find a way to breathe through it all... the lights, the music, the Christmas movie that came on TV over the weekend with a little boy named Nathan in it.
I know Handsome would want us all to keep celebrating and to be joyous throughout the holidays, but I just feel so guilty and so detached. It doesn't seem right for us to be shopping and decorating while he's gone. I know it's what he would want, but it just feels wrong, so I decided to change up Christmas this year. Our Christmas traditions just didn't seem fitting for our family anymore.
That's where I got the idea for A Purple Christmas. We all enjoyed The Purple Pumpkin Project and so many of you helped us with making Handsome's pumpkin patch grow. Now it's time to paint December purple.
I know the world won't stop turning just for me. I understand that life goes on for our family and friends. And I know I can't expect everyone to not celebrate Christmas this year so that I can have more time to heal. It's unrealistic and I get that, but I do ask that everyone add a new tradition to their celebrations this year. Something as small as adding a purple ornament on your tree or hanging a purple ribbon on your mailbox can help me cope. It lets me know that Handsome's life made a difference and in a way it assures me that he's still here with us all.
Post a picture of your purple Christmas on Handsome's prayer page, Pray For Nate.
Post a picture of your purple Christmas on Handsome's prayer page, Pray For Nate.
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