Dear Handsome,

My Dearest Handsome,

It's been twenty one days since you were called home to Heaven, but it feels like yesterday to me. I still feel you and at times I swear I can hear you. I get anxious at medicine times, because I want to give you your meds. I can't sleep at night because I feel like I'm forgetting something... I'm forgetting you. People say time heals all wounds, but for me time is standing still.

People ask me daily how I'm doing and I don't know how to answer them. Sometimes I want to hit them for asking or shake them and scream at them, HOW DO YOU THINK I'M DOING! Other times I want to tell them the truth. I want to tell I am feeling unbearable pain all over my body and that every time I get behind the wheel I think, if I run that red light maybe I'll get hit and I can be with you again. Then there's times that people ask how I'm doing and I want to ignore them. I want to pretend they aren't here and that this hasn't just happened to me, to you. But I always just lie to them and tell them I'm doing well that I'm hanging in there, because I know it's what they want to hear. I know my friends and family don't want to hear the truth about how I'm handling your death. I know that if I told them the truth they wouldn't know what to say or how to help, so I just lie.

I've always tried to go out of my way to please other people. I'm a people pleaser and people want me to be okay, so I'm okay, even though I'm not.

And then there's you... For the last two years all I have wanted to do is to make you happy, to give you the best life I could, to save you. Every decision I have made in the last two years has been made with your best interests in mind, even now... Though I can't stand to eat, I do it anyway, because it's what you would want. And I want to lock myself in my room and never come out again, I don't, because it's not what you would want.

And then there's people telling me to move on, to find a me without Nathan, but that's impossible. I will never get over losing you. You weren't my high school boyfriend. You are my son. You are a piece of me that is gone forever. I can never get that piece back. I will never be whole. Finding a me without you... it's just not possible. I'll never heal. A band-aid can't fix this. I'll always hurt for you. I'll always miss you so much that it hurts and I want it that way. The pain is what reminds me that it's real. That you did happen and that you were here and you will always be in my heart. It's a reminder of the love we shared and the bond that we had. It hurts, but it's where you are. It's the hole that only you can fill.

I don't know when I'll be okay. I'm not even sure if I ever will be.