My Dearest Handsome,
Today your daddy went back to work and earlier in the week your mamaw went home. Chase and Jaime have gone to school and Jake and Lukas are watching Handy Manny. The mail has come. The house has been cleaned. We've slipped back into our old routines. The world continues to go on, but it's 10:35am and I'm 35 minutes late with your toprimate and banzel. You were suppose to get a feed at 9 and I'm sure you need a diaper change. Everyone seems to have gone back to normal, but me.
My normal is you. My normal revolves around your care. How do I go back to normal without you? How do I get through my mornings when my mornings were yours? How do I survive your ten o'clock meds? The knots in my chest, the shortness of breath, the pain in my stomach... how do I get through that every morning at ten o'clock?
It's not fair! I fought for you. I did everything to make sure you were okay. I never missed a medicine dose. I was always on time with your treatments. I did my research. I asked questions. I made sure you were getting the best care. I did everything right. I went above and beyond to save you. Why aren't you here? Why are you gone?
All these other people who don't even take care of their kids, who leave them every weekend with grandparents or babysitters, the ones who smoked while they were pregnant, drank and did drugs, the ones who don't even want their kids... Why couldn't it have been them and not us? It's not fair! I wanted you in my life, even with all the stress and sleep deprivation. I wanted you!
I miss you. I miss the way your hair felt and your face. I miss the sounds you made and hearing you squirm in your crib. I miss you.
There are times when I get so angry because there are so many people who don’t want their children or don’t take care of them, and they get to have healthy children. Their babies don’t suffer and I have to watch my sweet child hurt. It’s not fair. But then I think about what would have happened if a child like Wendy had been given to a family that doesn’t care. I shudder at the thought. And I know Wendy was given to me for a reason. I am so sorry you had such a short time with Nathan, but I know you gave him the best life possible while he was here.
ReplyDeleteoh my.. I just caught up on your blog and I just want to say i am so sorry for your loss. Your little boy was absolutely beautiful and his life, though not typical by the world's standards, was full of love. I can tell he and your entire family has inspired so many others.. So many things in this world are not fair. But I do believe your son's life, though far too short, served a very great purpose. Never forget that. Some people could live 100 years and not impact people like Handsome did. My thoughts and prayers are with your family that you will find peace and comfort during this difficult season.
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