my thirty day cleanse

Losing Handsome has been very hard on me. I have lost myself in it. I find myself not caring about the housework and now my house has become a cluttered mess. I don't care about how I look or represent myself anymore. My diet has gone from creative and clean to cheap and fake. I'm sure you can imagine what that has done to my waist line. The things I was once passionate about have lost all purpose. I just don't feel like myself anymore and most of the time I just don't care. I feel like I'm just going through the motions.

But I want to be someone that is happy. I want to grow from my experiences and I want to make Handsome's life worth it. I want to keep his legacy alive. And I want to be the type of parent and wife, I promised I would be. I know I will never be the old me again. What was once normal will never be normal again, but I can't let my depression over losing my son become me. It's not what he would want and I'm stronger then that. 

So today I am starting a 30 day cleanse in hopes that it will help me find a new version of myself and help me find a way to enjoy life again. I am tackling many different things with my cleanse, including my diet, my spirituality, and my marriage. I know I can't fix what's broken in 30 days. I know that thirty days from now, I won't be rainbows and butterflies. I'll still cry daily. I'll still have unanswered questions for God. And I won't be back into my size three jeans, but I am hoping that my thirty day cleanse helps move me in a forward motion so that I'm not stuck just pressing replay every day. 

With my thirty day cleanse, I am going vegan. I was vegan for a few months following Handsome's birth and I felt amazing, but a vegan diet is a great way to cleanse your body of all that nasty fast food. I'm going to begin decluttering my very messy house. I use to be so organized and clean, but I've been too depressed to even care if my house was clean lately to do anything about it. I am, also, going to be working on my spirituality and my relationship with God. Like I mentioned above, I have many unanswered questions and while my faith is not in doubt I am struggling some with my religion, so I plan on reading my bible every night to help me find my way through Christianity. I plan on listening to nothing but positive hits over the next thirty days, as well. Not for my religion, but to help shed the negative feelings and thoughts. And my family, I plan on reintroducing family time and just time with my husband, to help us find a way to be a family again, to be a couple again. 

I don't expect in thirty days to be healed. As I have said before, I don't want to be healed. I want the pain of losing Handsome to stay with me forever, because it is what reminds me that he was here. That he happened and that I loved him, but I don't want to live his death for the rest of our lives. I want us to live OUR lives and remember his, not dwelling on his passing. I don't want us to be the angry, bitter people we are today tomorrow.